Heads

Unless you’re American, tipping isn’t compulsory at a restaurant. Sure, if you don’t you look like a tight-arse but at the end of the day a tip is essentially that little something extra to say ‘thanks mate, you actually did your job reasonably well’. Except…really? Let’s face it you don’t tip your surgeon after they successfully remove your appendix (cheers Doc, thanks for not killing me) and somehow you get the impression their job is just a teeney-tiny bit more taxing than carrying over that plate of tagliatelle to table 14. So it’s clearly time to up your standards, after all, it’s your hard earned change we’re talking about here. So garcon recommended that good bottle of wine, does that deserve an extra whatever %? And speaking of percentages, how does that work? 10%? 5%? More? Less? It’s simply too much to fuss over, so here’s the deal, don’t tip. That’s right, once you’ve handed over five crisp tenners put your wallet away and grab your coat because you ain’t spending no more. These service staff do get paid y’know, they won’t go hungry (mainly because they get free meals at the restaurant) you should take that complimentary mint and saunter away, change jangling merrily in your deep, deep pockets. So what if they spit in your soup next time?

Tails

What are you a monster? These poor, poor waiters and waitresses have *gasp* been on their feet all evening, racing up and down the room carrying ginormous plates of mixed grill to people like you, who, at some point during the dining experience, will have moaned, complained or dished out a complimentary sarcastic comment (see Heads). After all that humiliation (including having to dress like a penguin) the very least you could do is leave a token gesture of goodwill. Leaving a tip is your way of saying ‘it’s okay buddy, I feel your pain’ and what’s more you’ll be loved and adored and most importantly remembered by those hardworking members of staff who’ll go home and thank their lucky stars that you walked into their lives that night. Not leaving a tip just makes you look mean, and you’re not mean, you’re nice because you care. Plus let’s face it, it makes you look like you have cash to burn (because spending £60 on dinner didn’t really show off your wallet) if you don’t leave a tip you look like a cheap, uncaring slob who stuffs their face, pays for it and leaves (the cheek of it!) After all, what if they spit in your soup next time?!